An Apology

I don't want you to think that I stopped caring. Loss is an incredibly hard thing for all of us, but I especially struggle accepting the end of anything. When we think of loss, our minds immediately go to death because that's loss in its most permanent form but the end of anything can cause similar feelings. It could be the end of some sort of relationship (family, friend, work, romantic, etc.) or even a form of media like a television show or podcast. Obviously the latter examples aren't nearly as serious because they are designed to end, but one could argue that so are nearly all relationships. 

We have this idea that once we know somebody and have any sort of connection to them beyond waving at a neighbor whose name you don't know, that there's an obligation to keep that relationship going forever. It's not realistic for this to be true for a long list of reasons. When the thing that brings two people together ends in some fashion, it's natural for that bond to weaken over time and eventually be severed permanently. It's probably not even intentional in most cases. Friendships that are born while in grade school come to mind. How many people do you still consider friends since you graduated high school? And I'm not talking about being a Facebook friend. When school ends you lose that common place to interact. You might move away to go to college or have to start your adult life by working full time. Staying in touch then becomes more difficult as life gets in the way and our priorities change.

Social media is both a blessing and a curse. We use it to stay connected in an almost superficial way and I'm not even going to get into how fake a lot of it is. It's great that we have a place to share what's going on in our lives so family and friends can keep tabs on how we are doing. It's easy to like or react to a post and you might even comment on it, but I see this as the laziest form of effort. Maybe it's the cynic in me, but it just doesn't feel like there's any real connection there. Maybe that's okay, I just don't see the value in it. Having to maintain relationships with hundreds or even thousands of "friends" isn't actually possible. That's why I think social media interaction is surface level at best, and honestly feels to me like its forcing us to not let something go when it would benefit both parties to let things fizzle out.

Personally, I know that I'm not great at keeping in touch with people, whether that be family, friends, or otherwise. I'm even guilty of having told people at my various work places that our "friendship" will likely end once we stop working together. It's a blunt truth that nobody wants to hear and that I probably shouldn't verbalize, but it's almost always the case because we'll no longer share that common place to interact. Maybe I subconsciously do that to lessen the blow for myself in order to make the loss easier. It's not that I stopped caring about that person, I just know when the possibility of a long term friendship isn't likely. Perhaps this is a big reason why I've never had a lot of close friends or friends in general. That being said, I am very lucky to have a small handful that I'm incredibly close with.

This post isn't my way of justifying not putting effort into the various relationships in my life. It's more of a way to open the door into how I perceive things. Not to psychoanalyze myself, but keeping most people at arms length and not letting them truly get to know me is probably some sort of coping mechanism to prevent having to deal with the feeling of loss. When I started writing this post, the intention was simply to apologize to those of you who know me in some fashion for not putting in the effort that I often times think I should have or could be. I also didn't intend for it to be nearly this long and thought it would be formatted like a poem of single lines. So if you've read this far, I thank you for that and appreciate you getting through the word vomit that came spewing out through my fingers on to the page. Great imagery, I know.

So I apologize for not putting in the effort.

I'm sorry for not keeping in touch. 
I'm sorry for not prioritizing our friendship.
I'm sorry for not being present when you talk to me.
I'm sorry for not calling more often, even though we're related. 
I'm sorry for not thinking we could be close enough to warrant my time.
I'm sorry for not letting you know that the relationship we have isn't what you think it is.

The vast majority of those who I'd want to see this never will. For those of you who do...

I'm sorry.